Touch

New Things: Krispy Kreme Factory, hand selected to be in a parade, two story chick-fil-a (banana pudding milkshake), new friends

I love the new show Touch.  If there are any fans out there you'll understand how a complete random number can link so many different situations together for the purpose of order.  I do not believe the world is random or controlled by a cosmic force.  It is not ordered by karma or numbers.  I do believe God is creator and sustainer of the world.  I do believe he has a purpose.  I do believe today's happenings is proof that God works all things together, and it is for our good, and it is for his purposes. 

My friend Caitlin rode with me to pick up Alex, a girl I mentor, and her younger brother Cam to take them to the Krispy Kreme downtown at the "factory".  On the way to nowhereville, Caitlin and I realized that we were about to enter a small town parade. We made it through just in time so we would not be late to pick up the youngins. 
I knew Caitlin and Alex would have a lot in common but I had no idea how much.  Besides being tall, beautiful and hilarious, they both wanted to be vets until they realized they cut open animals, both have (or will have) paint balloons at their 15th birthday parties, and both have a great ear for good music.  On the way to the Krispy Kreme, Alex requested we try to go through the small town parade to be part of it.  Unfortunately, as we approached the crowd the police created a detour that avoided the parade.  With my awesome navigation skills, I took about 3 wrong turns before I ever got us to our final destination. I turned on Wade, found St. Mary's, and went to Peace which are 3 streets we ventured often today on accident (but that is for later in the story). 
Krispy Kreme created a warm place in my heart.  We all four sat by the window where 1000s of doughnuts are being made on a conveyer belt, enjoying doughnuts while wearing our paper hats they gave us.  I wore the hat thinking I'm probably too old but its for the kids.  After we took a moment to appreciate the millions of calories we consumed we made our way back to the kid's house. 
At the house all my worse fears were faced.  I had pet their miniature horse but now their real size horse was sniffing around, not cool.  On top of that, the mother asked if we would like to go up the barn to see the king snake they found this morning right after she told us it was in strike position.  I feel like these are not fears I have to face.  They do not debilitate my daily functioning.  However, the miniature horse does like me and came to stand by me.  Then we started to leave and the mother asked us if we knew anything about plants.  No! Neither one of us know anything about plants but both of us thought of our friend Sarah who knows everything about plants.  The mom invited all 3 of us to come to their home next weekend for a cookout.  yes please!

Next part of the day.  Caitlin, Erin, Paul and I were supposed to meet up with some friends at the       Q-Grass where there is Bluegrass music and bbq eatins.  But then it started to rain and all plans went out the window.  So Paul called some of his friends to meet us and the friend we were supposed to meet stayed at the Q-Grass. We made our way to St. Marys (if you remember)  because we had already gotten lost there once today which helped us find our way to the mother of all chick-fil-as.  CFA was two stories with an elevator, a revolving door and the most awesome kiddy tables.  We met some of Paul's friends there.  One of them knows our friend Sarah that was mentioned before and also Katherine.  Then we made the connection that Rachel is the girl that went with Katherine to one of our church's small groups this past semester.  The other friend of Paul's, it turns out, was born in Birmingham AL, which is where I'm from but lived in Chicago IL prior to moving here which is where I would love to live.  Lastly, Kevin's RA in college is my employee at the Y.  After, we decided to go to see the new addition to the natural science museum. In the streets were vendors, booths, people, music and then a stranger approached Paul and asked... "Would you like to be in a parade?"                       

 WHAT?!!!  I've been trying to be in a parade all day.  Once we started I felt silly, but hey "it's for the kids." There you have it, we were all a part as very big plant gods. Ironically, I helped carry a god that represents creation of God. Whatever, I was in a parade.  We never made it to the museum.  We got back on Wade and Peace (from earlier) and went to a coffee shop where we finally got to hang out with the person we were originally going to meet at the Q-Grass. 

Now I am sitting at Sarah's house.  The girl the family from this morning needs to meet and the new friend from the afternoon that already knows her. 

I think relationships were being built today that will have a lasting impact.  I think the things we did and the people we spent time with were on purpose even if it was against our purpose.  God created order from chaos. No matter how chaotic my life seems, when I question how can things ever work out, or when I doubt, I will know God has created order. 

Art is Hereditary

New Things: Parking Lot Carnival, Easter in WV, Just Dance on Wii in our apt, I did a dance dare, bought a pair of hot pink skinny jeans (haha for someone else)

I went to WV this past weekend for Easter.  My intention was to ease the work that my 2 aunts do for my grandfather and also to spend time with my grandfather so this holiday did not seem so quiet without my grandmother.  But actually the opposite happened...

I got there early Friday afternoon and spent some time with my dad's parents.  I love them and spending time with them but I think we don't always know what to say or do together.  My entire life it seemed that my brother fit in better with my dad's side and I fit in better with mom's side.  This weekend gave me a chance to see how both sides have made me who I am.  But on Friday, after we exhausted all the conversations, my grandmother decided to go through her old boxes of things in storage and give me some hidden treasures.  Mamaw wanted to show me some of my dad's old drawings from college because she knew that I love art.  I knew my dad could draw but his cousin is the real artist in the family.  Just recently I got a painting that my grandmother's mother painted when she was very young.  And then it happened... the one thing that made me feel a part of the Core family... my grandmother's drawings.  She was AMAZING!  She had portraits with the original photos and they were soooo good.  I couldn't believe it.  She was way better than I could ever hope to be.  In that moment all I wanted to do is see more!

Then I was off to my grandfather's house on my mom's side.  I always felt at home there.  They are loud and extreme and exciting and everything I love.  People feel loved and valued with my family. And in my attempt to love my family by serving them, they couldn't help but serve me.  I tried desperately to cook for my papaw but he only wanted my aunt to cook for him because that's who does it everyday.  So my aunt cooks for me too!  But if I did cook and clean and do all things I had expected to do I wouldn't have gotten to just be with my cousins.  I so value the time I had with Brea (7) and Cody (17).  I went to Brea's Easter Egg Hunt where I got conned into face painting for a bunch of kids.  Then with Cody, we went to the mall.  It was the conversation that made it awesome for me.  I love hearing him seek God and the Truth rather than simply taking someone's word for it (including mine).  And although it was a short time my cousins Nick and TJ, now men, I enjoyed watching them take care of the house, their mom, the finances, working hard and making something of themselves and their family.  Their dad is gone but I see their dad in them, men of honor. 

I got more sleep than I could have ever imagined while there.  Probably the only way I would have gotten this rest is with grandparents.  Papaw Don goes in bed in front of the television is a clue to go to your room and do what?  Go to bed of course at 9pm.  I arrived to my mamaw and papaw Core's Easter Sunday to stay the night with them and by 6 they were ready to put me to bed, haha! 

I treasure the time I have with family. I learn more and more about myself, who I come from, how they impact me, who I want to be, and how they have inspired me.

The Young and the Restless

New Things: took coffee condiments and an avocado to a coffee shop (whole new level of crazy); finished my first real biblical counseling relationship with success; entered my last ever break from school

It is spring time, love is in the air! In fact, I believe some have become "twitterpated".  I knew I would have to endure my endless friends that are engaged, trying on wedding dresses, planning weddings, smelling flowers with fervor, eating wedding cake, but I did not anticipate what I would experience today.

First of all, I was "preoccupied" when I was being summoned over the walkie talkie for some assistance.  Assistance always means something is about to happen that will need to be put on the blog.  As I approached the scene it seemed hopeless; I was filled with compassion.  The counselor was standing in the middle of the hallway consoling a small adorable blond headed 1st grade boy with the water works goin.  I turn the corner and a small girl with a big bow in her dark hair was hiding behind a column heaving uncontrollable sobs.  It was all I could do to show them my concern for their sorrow. 

I finally got close enough to decipher the words "I.  Don't.  Want.  To. Be. In. Trouble.  I don't want to be in trouble.  I don't want to be in trouble".  A tender hug, soothing voice and waiting in the quiet did not help.  I have no idea what is going on.  "Listen, my voice will not get louder.  Whatever is going on we need to talk about it." The boy became boisterous "I don't want to go home in trouble.  I'll get my butt beaten". No one is mad, everyone knows discipline is coming, and pure fear has struck these two children. 

It is now the counselor's turn.  She knows something I don't yet. It is all up to me to make the difference.  What is it?  "I saw them kissing!" Well, great!  Lil Romeo and Juliet have come to the point of love/ death decisions. 

"Why did you kiss if you knew you would get in trouble?"  Their response: "I don't know"! 
This is it!  When I sin I know I will be disciplined but I don't know why I still do it.  I don't want to go home to Dad in trouble.  I'm so upset because I know I messed up.  I don't want to always mess up but I keep making bad choices. 

"Please don't tell pappy!"  Of course I have to tell pappy and dad. 
"Does your pappy love you?"
"Yes.  He lets me stay with him."
"He disciplines you so you remember to make the right choice next time"
"But it hurts!" 

Man is he right! 

True Remorse

I recently was in a class where we discussed the evidence of biblical remorse and forgiveness. Today I witnessed and experienced this very thing. 

At work today a father came to pick up his sweet little 1st grade girl who is brand new to our program.  The counselors from the playground announced she is on her way to the cafeteria but that she is upset about something and is unable to talk about it between the uncontrollable crying and shallow breaths.  I met her in the hallway to try and talk to her before she could get to dad.  Fortunately I'm fluent in hysterical girl speak.  It turns out, as she was coming down the slide a boy had ransomed her shoes, running around the playground where he eventually threw them to the other side of the playground in which she was left to retrieve on her own.  What a great way to welcome the new girl.  Unfortunately, she knows no names, remembers no details, and told no counselors.  But I made it my mission to find out who it was and make it right. 

I figured I could reasonably narrow down the list of the guilty.

I made my way to the playground, asked the counselors if they had seen anything then perused around until I could find my first victim.  A young care free lad was making his way up the slide just as a young girl was attempting to appreciate the value of gravity in the  use of the slide.  Collision!!  What does this boy do?  He shoves the girl off the rest of the slide so he may continue his defiance against gravity to the top of the play area.  At the top of the play area he preys on his next victim.  Immediately, the young stallion has his arms wrapped around his victim modeling the motions of the heimlick maneuver.  I called down the boy for a heart to heart.

Here is the conversation (changed names to protect the not so innocent):
Me: "Hey buddy!  Did you see anyone running around the playground with shoes in their hands?"
Andy: "I don't even know her"
Me:  "I didn't say anything about a 'her'.  Who are you talking about?"
Andy:  "What? I don't know"
Me:  "Why did you say something about a girl?  I was asking about shoes!"
Andy: "I didn't do anything!! (long pause) Ok fine I did it!!!"
Me:  "What did you do?"
Andy:  "I went up the slide"
Me: "Then what?"
Andy: "I touched her shoes"
Me: "And?"
Andy: "Her shoes fell off and I just grabbed them"
Me: "And then what happened?"
Andy:  "I ran around with her shoes and then put them down nicely when I saw her crying.  I just ran away.  I couldn't take her crying"
Me:  "Did you know she was upset because you took her shoes?"
Andy:  "No"
Me:  "Did you know she was telling her daddy someone was being mean to her?  I think instead of time out it would be good for you to apologize tomorrow.  Can you do that?"
Andy: "What?!!  I feel like such a jerk now (hands on his head with tears welling up)!!  I can't stand this.  I'm such a jerk!  I'm putting myself in time out.  I just need some time.  I'm such a jerk.  How could I do this to her?"

Bless his heart.  We talked about how his being upset showed me that he really cares about other people.  And even though it was hard, his honesty is good.  We talked about the fact that when we are upset about the things we do it is our brains way of telling us we need to change something so we can  care about others better.  So really... being upset can help you make better choices. 

We'll see how the apology goes tomorrow.  Hopefully the forgiveness is just as sincere.

Who Got the Funk?

New Things: Auctioned 3 paintings at my church's aution for missions, decided I would be a good waitress if needed, after much prayer a few jobs are starting to become apparent as possibilities.

"Bad news bears" is a way to describe my attitude this past week.  I could tell you the hundreds of things I had to do that had me running around crazy.  I could tell you all the insane things the kids were doing at work that made me want to pull my hair out.  I could complain about the things I volunteered to do that ended up being a waste of time.  I could justify my reaction to friends that were being thoughtless and inconsiderate.  I could blame my body, being exhausted, and needing coffee. I could pretend that it's everyone else.  BUT let's be honest my bad attitude is all my fault. 

I've been struggling spiritually for awhile now but this past week was the culmination of it all. I do my school work, I read Scripture, I pray, I meet with people to counsel, I am a mentor, I help lead our small groups at church, I serve where is needed or requested, I speak the truth, I meet with friends, I work with kids that are struggling with their behaviors, I work with parents struggling with their kids, I am everything to every person as much I can. I am actively finding ways to honor God with my time.  And then I get burned out and decide I need rest.  I need a break. But I can't take a break.  I can't just stop my life, let those people down, walk away.  So I form this attitude that tells the world I deserve rest because of all the things I do.  I deserve recognition because I'm fighting through this struggle.  I'm spiritually drained but yet I'm giving myself up for all the things I do.  I am physically and spiritually sick.

The words of my mouth have become bitter and distasteful.  I'm coming to church wishing I were anywhere else.  I read my Bible searching for "the way out" that 1 Cor 10:13 promises when facing temptations.  I'm fighting a losing battle. 

It occurred to me Sunday what I should have been battling:  idolatry.  I was losing the battle because I was fighting the wrong thing.  I was battling other people, circumstances, things that are not mine to control.  In reality, although God has still been central to my life, I have limited him to be one of many gods in my life.  I was praying to the god of marriage, the god of career, the god of rest, the god of the past, the god of the future, the god of success, the god of approval, the god of purity, the god of contentment.  I want all of these things.  I know God is truly sovereign over each struggle but somehow I was trying to get these things without humbly going before God and seeking him. 

Once I realized my idolatry, it made since that I have been working on my own power to do everything. No wonder I've been exhausted at trying so hard with little results.  Last week revealed that I am not enough, I need God.  Neglecting God drove me to funkytown.  Worst roadtrip ever!  Good to be back.

Making a Career out of Prayer

New Things:  First time to write two blogs in one sitting

Ever since college I have had a clear passion to work in inner city ministry.  I came to seminary seeking to be trained in counseling so I would be biblically prepared to give sound counsel and hope to those that are not always in the Church's radar.  It brought tears to my eyes to see the Church's support in the Dean Road's ministry in college.  Parents were getting out of jail, getting jobs, going to church, singing children's choir songs with their children, joining us in bible club, coming to upward basketball games, hearing the gospel.  There was such much more that I needed to do but didn't know how. 

Once I got to seminary, I began to sift through my options as a biblical counselor.  Not many for the female population and even fewer in the Church.  I do not oppose the Baptist stance on men pastors but I do understand there is not much opportunity.  As I traveled my desire to be in the inner city grew as I experienced bigger cities and more people.  I was not going to hate God sending me to New York, Chicago, Seattle, or even Africa.  I just want to be with people.  I got the question all the time "What are you going to do after school?"  As always I would say "Live life with people". 

I began to seriously pray about some of my concerns about finding a job that allow me to do what I believe God has gifted me to do and given me a passion for.  Most ministries I have researched required me to raise my own support.  I am not against raising money for ministry but I am terrible at it.  And even though God can stretch me in my faith, I right now do not feel like God is asking me to do that.  I also really desired a big city where I could work a full time job with benefits.  I don't need a lot of money but I do desire to be a big girl and not rely on my parents for anything financially out of honor for their service to me.  They have given so much to me and did so gladly because they support my education and desires in ministry.  But bless their hearts if I didn't recognize their sacrifice for me. 

Up until last week I had no leads on a job.  I had some ideas of places I could apply.  I didn't really want to stay at the YMCA mostly because I see what a full time position there does to a person's schedule.  I was just hoping God would show up.  He knew I was struggling.  I'm fearful of what's after school.  I'm fearful of failing or not figuring it out.  But God was so good this week.  Within 24 hrs I had a boss and professor suggest to me and recommend that I apply for full time positions they had heard about.  Even if neither were actually possibilities, it is so good to know God is concerned with what I'm concerned.  He has not forgotten my worries. 

I prefer one of the jobs over the other just because it really would fit within the specifics I have brought before God about a future job.  It would definitely fit within the realm of my dream job.  I would be blessed and challenged.  However the other job is the unknown and unfamiliar.  I don't have as much experience but it may be even better than what I can imagine.  I'm just grateful God is in my struggle with me. 

All this to say, my prayer is what has kept in a state of thanksgiving when I could be freakin out.  My prayers remind me to that God is working in the things that matter to me and worry me.  He is sovereign in my circumstances.  He has a plan and a means.  He is God who answers. 

Mute Sheep

New things: Kumquats, dark chocolate edamame, Salt water taffy (I need to try something besides foods), NCAA Bracket

I really have no way of explaining a comment like "mute sheep".  You just had to be there.  You get 7 girls in circle talking about life, scary cats, and mute sheep and there's no telling what the point of it all is.  But the thing I appreciate about these 7 girls is the ease in conversation.  New jobs, stresses in life, friends that don't know God.  We can laugh, tease, dance, drink coffee, challenge one another, ask questions, speak truth, and in the end there's no place I'd rather be.  We sat there for hours talking, knowing each other.  There is a point to these conversations but I'm pretty sure you would be jealous.

I have always been blessed to have a group of girls that I know will always be there, support me and love me no matter where I am.  I grew up with a group of girls in Birmingham that in every way possible clashed except for the fact we fit perfectly.  I have been in most of their weddings.  I hope they'll be in mine.  I'm visiting on the holidays stoked to see their children or homes while we gather to truly fellowship and know one another again.  Now that I'm off in a new state, I'm not forgotten.  They check up on me, love me in crisis, and are eager for my graduation.  I love you b'ham girls. 

In college, I a few groups of friends.  All were highly infuential in my life for one reason or another.  I was in some of those weddings too.  Besides my college roommate I don't keep up with many of my college friends but for that time in my life they were God sent.  College transformed my life.  The Church took on a whole new meaning in the way I dealt with sin in my life.  I experienced things that I have yet to get over.  My degree was one of the least important things that I gained from college.  My college roommate was also a friend from Birmingham.  During college she became a sister.  We experienced so many things together, distance will never change that.  I'm thankful for such solid friends.

I moved to NC for seminary.  Leaving home that time was more difficult.  I knew I was leaving people that loved and supported me but I had to have faith I was being obedient.  I moved in to my dorm (which was disgusting and the first time I ever lived in a dorm), said bye to my dad, and all alone.  The next day I got ready for orientation, joined the other few hundred newbies and felt alone... for about an hour.  Loneliness was never a strong suit of mine.  I picked out a girl to be friends with and said "I don't have any friends here yet, wanna be friends?"  She said "yeah, I like your shoes".  Match made.  She, her roommate and I started searching for a church.  We met a few other girls on the way and soon formed the Fab Five.  Five turned into many like-minded girls ready to take on Raleigh.  As we branched out as we met others, some are married, one having a child, all out of school (me in May). Jobs will take us different places.  Our futures are still ahead of us.  I've lived here for 5 years now and have a group of girls that I crave to spend time with.  I'm incredibly blessed to have the support, encouragement and love. 

I'm so thankful for all my friend near and far.  I hope my friends know I think of them often and pray for them.  I want nothing less than the goodness of God in their lives.  There is such beauty in my friends because I know they are a gift from God.