Post Op Clarity

The FACTS:
So my mom had her surgery.  The doctors drained 12 gallons of fluid from her stomach.  That's right 12 GALLONS.  I didn't even know that what possible in a person.  "Bless her heart" as they say in Alabama.  Both ovaries were removed which were enlarged with stage 3 cancer and they also removed the cancer from the inner lining of the stomach.  The doctors says they removed the cancer they could see and they will discuss any further treatments that will help kill possible floating cancer cells.

The WORRY:
You would think my worry is that my mom's cancer was stage 3, but I trust the doctors to not be hiding any facts from my dad.  No, my worry is that this will change my mom.  She has always been so strong.  She's the strong one of her family.  She reassures me of things and I'm the strong one of my friends so I know she is a rock.  When I went to my grandmother and uncle's funerals last fall I was sad and missed them, but uncontrollable crying was caused by seeing my mom lose it.  Her crying was unbearable.  I guess I'm afraid mom loses her strength.  Even now my mom was the strong one but sooo much has changed with this surgery.

The REALITY:
Fear is not the antithesis of Strength.  In fact, The Bible commands us to fear in the Lord and it says the Lord is my strength.  My mom has earned a time to not be a rock.  Christ is our rock, never changing.  We are transformative... she is allowed to be hopeful which implies something that needs hope.  Stage 3 cancer is not a death sentence.  The reality is stage 3 cancer has not defeated her, she is healed.  God is the great healer.  Recovery and remission will be difficult mostly because my mom is so stubborn she won't want to "waste" time on herself. 

The HOPE:
I was reminded today that as we pray we often pray for God to change us to be more like God.  We thank God for peace, understanding, and healing.  We are thankful for his love.  We cry and raise our fist to God asking him to give mercy in a situation that seems unbearable.  And although God is good to answer these prayers and provide for us we miss the point that God is God.  The first sin on earth was man's desire to be more like God, to know what God knows instead of worshipping him.  My desire for mom to be healed is secondary for my praise to God for being the great love, peace, merciful, all-knowing God that he is. 

I'm Scared of Good

I haven't written in awhile because I haven't been able to form words for all the things I've been thinking.  So all I can do is say what has happened in my life over the last month. 


Almost a month ago I graduated from seminary with a degree in Biblical Counseling. It has taken me 5 years but I know it is God's timing. He has taught me much more than textbooks and teachers can fit in to the semesters. Self-control, hospitality, the importance of letting the Church be family, discipleship, and obedience are some of the things I've practiced. I'm so grateful for the time here but at the same time I was so ready to do what God was preparing me for.

Around the time of graduation casually told a few friends I have a feeling something bad is going to happen.  All the worst possibilities came to mind: my family would be in a wreck on the way to visit me or something that would make a good lifetime movie.  My friend's advice was to enjoy this time and not wait for the bottom to drop.  Good advice but I couldn't shake the feeling. 

Now I'm dealing with one of my biggest fears.  Last week my mom calls me to tell me she has diagnosed herself with having a mass in her stomach.  I knew she had been unhappy for awhile but I couldn't understand what she had been going through.  She had lost her brother and mother about a half year ago within 10 weeks.  I thought she had been depressed and stressed which was adding to her physical illness.  My mom finally went to the doctor. 

...The docotrs are moving fast.  No time to waste.  Something is urgent.  In my gut I know it is urgent.  The following morning the doctors ran a CAT scan.  They are getting answers faster than anticipated.  She is seeing an oncologist this week.  My mom anticipates surgery within the week.  It is happening.  Thoughts that I don't expect for another 40 years.  My mom is my best friend.  I shouldn't have to worry how I'm going to keep moving.  My first thought, as selfish as it sounds, was "she'll never meet my future husband or children".  I know that thought is about me, but she's been the one person my whole life that has been excited about everything I do.  My parents are part of every milestone in my life.  I'll need my best friend to tell me to stop being stubborn, to start learning how to flirt, stop being so literal, keep loving people, and that she's proud of me.  My mom gets me.  She understands that I'm grounded no matter how ridiculous my brain works.  I am my mother's daughter...

Nothing has been confirmed.  It seems that she has two spots of ccancer.  It sounds like surgery should get all of it and chemotherapy should kill the residue.  I'm sure my mom will be here the next 40 years at least, but I'm still not okay with the fact she has cancer.  The possibilities of cancer are not supposed to be real yet.  Fighting this is not supposed to be on my plate. 

I know all things work together for the good...  There is a fine line of me acting like I've come to grips with things and being completely satisfied with God's will.  I can't do either yet!

You know you want one too

Everyone wants to be a star and the obvious way to do that is make a video.
Enjoy and you're welcome!

(The video is at the end of the post)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAvF2jdwCm4&list=UUrx-Jg2ObUPV2fabjT9CRCg&index=1&feature=plcp

What I Know about Men I Learned from Boys

New Things: Carolina Beach, Finished last school paper ever, new lover of the show LOST, music video

I know nothing about men... clearly.  Luckily, children are extremely transparent.  They are nothing more than smaller versions of us with less maturity and understanding.  So I've decided to acknowledge the truths behind what boys say and do.  The list of truths below are all from kids grades k-5th.


Graham: "I've never seen you dressed up and your hair done. it looks nice"
  Translation: You need to dress up more often.

Ben: "you need to paint your nails"
  Translation: Pay attention to the details
         "I want to marry you...  I don't know why I said that"
   Translation: Men don't always think before they speak

Josh "I'm just mad"
   Translation:  I'm mad that I'm not getting attention from you or that I failed at something.

Gavin- "I ALREADY KNOW!" (but he usually is wrong)
   Translation: I don't want you to tell me I'm wrong.

Andrew- "Please play with me"
  Translation:  Please take an interest in my hobbies.

Landon- "Do you need help with that?"
  Translation: Guys just want to help whether or not you are capable of doing it yourself.

Ben "Can I show you my new card trick"
  Translation: I'm an expert at something and I need to show off.

Kevin "Lindsay you're so cool... sike"
  Translation:  Even the tough guy needs a hug.  He may not be able to express how he feels sincerely

DeAnte 5th grader- "Andrew, give me a high five"  Andrew kindergarten: "NO!"
  Translation: D- needs to be protector and provider. A- likes things his way

Dawson "Why don't you give me food?"
  Translation: A way to a man's heart is through his stomach. 

Touch

New Things: Krispy Kreme Factory, hand selected to be in a parade, two story chick-fil-a (banana pudding milkshake), new friends

I love the new show Touch.  If there are any fans out there you'll understand how a complete random number can link so many different situations together for the purpose of order.  I do not believe the world is random or controlled by a cosmic force.  It is not ordered by karma or numbers.  I do believe God is creator and sustainer of the world.  I do believe he has a purpose.  I do believe today's happenings is proof that God works all things together, and it is for our good, and it is for his purposes. 

My friend Caitlin rode with me to pick up Alex, a girl I mentor, and her younger brother Cam to take them to the Krispy Kreme downtown at the "factory".  On the way to nowhereville, Caitlin and I realized that we were about to enter a small town parade. We made it through just in time so we would not be late to pick up the youngins. 
I knew Caitlin and Alex would have a lot in common but I had no idea how much.  Besides being tall, beautiful and hilarious, they both wanted to be vets until they realized they cut open animals, both have (or will have) paint balloons at their 15th birthday parties, and both have a great ear for good music.  On the way to the Krispy Kreme, Alex requested we try to go through the small town parade to be part of it.  Unfortunately, as we approached the crowd the police created a detour that avoided the parade.  With my awesome navigation skills, I took about 3 wrong turns before I ever got us to our final destination. I turned on Wade, found St. Mary's, and went to Peace which are 3 streets we ventured often today on accident (but that is for later in the story). 
Krispy Kreme created a warm place in my heart.  We all four sat by the window where 1000s of doughnuts are being made on a conveyer belt, enjoying doughnuts while wearing our paper hats they gave us.  I wore the hat thinking I'm probably too old but its for the kids.  After we took a moment to appreciate the millions of calories we consumed we made our way back to the kid's house. 
At the house all my worse fears were faced.  I had pet their miniature horse but now their real size horse was sniffing around, not cool.  On top of that, the mother asked if we would like to go up the barn to see the king snake they found this morning right after she told us it was in strike position.  I feel like these are not fears I have to face.  They do not debilitate my daily functioning.  However, the miniature horse does like me and came to stand by me.  Then we started to leave and the mother asked us if we knew anything about plants.  No! Neither one of us know anything about plants but both of us thought of our friend Sarah who knows everything about plants.  The mom invited all 3 of us to come to their home next weekend for a cookout.  yes please!

Next part of the day.  Caitlin, Erin, Paul and I were supposed to meet up with some friends at the       Q-Grass where there is Bluegrass music and bbq eatins.  But then it started to rain and all plans went out the window.  So Paul called some of his friends to meet us and the friend we were supposed to meet stayed at the Q-Grass. We made our way to St. Marys (if you remember)  because we had already gotten lost there once today which helped us find our way to the mother of all chick-fil-as.  CFA was two stories with an elevator, a revolving door and the most awesome kiddy tables.  We met some of Paul's friends there.  One of them knows our friend Sarah that was mentioned before and also Katherine.  Then we made the connection that Rachel is the girl that went with Katherine to one of our church's small groups this past semester.  The other friend of Paul's, it turns out, was born in Birmingham AL, which is where I'm from but lived in Chicago IL prior to moving here which is where I would love to live.  Lastly, Kevin's RA in college is my employee at the Y.  After, we decided to go to see the new addition to the natural science museum. In the streets were vendors, booths, people, music and then a stranger approached Paul and asked... "Would you like to be in a parade?"                       

 WHAT?!!!  I've been trying to be in a parade all day.  Once we started I felt silly, but hey "it's for the kids." There you have it, we were all a part as very big plant gods. Ironically, I helped carry a god that represents creation of God. Whatever, I was in a parade.  We never made it to the museum.  We got back on Wade and Peace (from earlier) and went to a coffee shop where we finally got to hang out with the person we were originally going to meet at the Q-Grass. 

Now I am sitting at Sarah's house.  The girl the family from this morning needs to meet and the new friend from the afternoon that already knows her. 

I think relationships were being built today that will have a lasting impact.  I think the things we did and the people we spent time with were on purpose even if it was against our purpose.  God created order from chaos. No matter how chaotic my life seems, when I question how can things ever work out, or when I doubt, I will know God has created order. 

Art is Hereditary

New Things: Parking Lot Carnival, Easter in WV, Just Dance on Wii in our apt, I did a dance dare, bought a pair of hot pink skinny jeans (haha for someone else)

I went to WV this past weekend for Easter.  My intention was to ease the work that my 2 aunts do for my grandfather and also to spend time with my grandfather so this holiday did not seem so quiet without my grandmother.  But actually the opposite happened...

I got there early Friday afternoon and spent some time with my dad's parents.  I love them and spending time with them but I think we don't always know what to say or do together.  My entire life it seemed that my brother fit in better with my dad's side and I fit in better with mom's side.  This weekend gave me a chance to see how both sides have made me who I am.  But on Friday, after we exhausted all the conversations, my grandmother decided to go through her old boxes of things in storage and give me some hidden treasures.  Mamaw wanted to show me some of my dad's old drawings from college because she knew that I love art.  I knew my dad could draw but his cousin is the real artist in the family.  Just recently I got a painting that my grandmother's mother painted when she was very young.  And then it happened... the one thing that made me feel a part of the Core family... my grandmother's drawings.  She was AMAZING!  She had portraits with the original photos and they were soooo good.  I couldn't believe it.  She was way better than I could ever hope to be.  In that moment all I wanted to do is see more!

Then I was off to my grandfather's house on my mom's side.  I always felt at home there.  They are loud and extreme and exciting and everything I love.  People feel loved and valued with my family. And in my attempt to love my family by serving them, they couldn't help but serve me.  I tried desperately to cook for my papaw but he only wanted my aunt to cook for him because that's who does it everyday.  So my aunt cooks for me too!  But if I did cook and clean and do all things I had expected to do I wouldn't have gotten to just be with my cousins.  I so value the time I had with Brea (7) and Cody (17).  I went to Brea's Easter Egg Hunt where I got conned into face painting for a bunch of kids.  Then with Cody, we went to the mall.  It was the conversation that made it awesome for me.  I love hearing him seek God and the Truth rather than simply taking someone's word for it (including mine).  And although it was a short time my cousins Nick and TJ, now men, I enjoyed watching them take care of the house, their mom, the finances, working hard and making something of themselves and their family.  Their dad is gone but I see their dad in them, men of honor. 

I got more sleep than I could have ever imagined while there.  Probably the only way I would have gotten this rest is with grandparents.  Papaw Don goes in bed in front of the television is a clue to go to your room and do what?  Go to bed of course at 9pm.  I arrived to my mamaw and papaw Core's Easter Sunday to stay the night with them and by 6 they were ready to put me to bed, haha! 

I treasure the time I have with family. I learn more and more about myself, who I come from, how they impact me, who I want to be, and how they have inspired me.

The Young and the Restless

New Things: took coffee condiments and an avocado to a coffee shop (whole new level of crazy); finished my first real biblical counseling relationship with success; entered my last ever break from school

It is spring time, love is in the air! In fact, I believe some have become "twitterpated".  I knew I would have to endure my endless friends that are engaged, trying on wedding dresses, planning weddings, smelling flowers with fervor, eating wedding cake, but I did not anticipate what I would experience today.

First of all, I was "preoccupied" when I was being summoned over the walkie talkie for some assistance.  Assistance always means something is about to happen that will need to be put on the blog.  As I approached the scene it seemed hopeless; I was filled with compassion.  The counselor was standing in the middle of the hallway consoling a small adorable blond headed 1st grade boy with the water works goin.  I turn the corner and a small girl with a big bow in her dark hair was hiding behind a column heaving uncontrollable sobs.  It was all I could do to show them my concern for their sorrow. 

I finally got close enough to decipher the words "I.  Don't.  Want.  To. Be. In. Trouble.  I don't want to be in trouble.  I don't want to be in trouble".  A tender hug, soothing voice and waiting in the quiet did not help.  I have no idea what is going on.  "Listen, my voice will not get louder.  Whatever is going on we need to talk about it." The boy became boisterous "I don't want to go home in trouble.  I'll get my butt beaten". No one is mad, everyone knows discipline is coming, and pure fear has struck these two children. 

It is now the counselor's turn.  She knows something I don't yet. It is all up to me to make the difference.  What is it?  "I saw them kissing!" Well, great!  Lil Romeo and Juliet have come to the point of love/ death decisions. 

"Why did you kiss if you knew you would get in trouble?"  Their response: "I don't know"! 
This is it!  When I sin I know I will be disciplined but I don't know why I still do it.  I don't want to go home to Dad in trouble.  I'm so upset because I know I messed up.  I don't want to always mess up but I keep making bad choices. 

"Please don't tell pappy!"  Of course I have to tell pappy and dad. 
"Does your pappy love you?"
"Yes.  He lets me stay with him."
"He disciplines you so you remember to make the right choice next time"
"But it hurts!" 

Man is he right!