I'm Scared of Good

I haven't written in awhile because I haven't been able to form words for all the things I've been thinking.  So all I can do is say what has happened in my life over the last month. 


Almost a month ago I graduated from seminary with a degree in Biblical Counseling. It has taken me 5 years but I know it is God's timing. He has taught me much more than textbooks and teachers can fit in to the semesters. Self-control, hospitality, the importance of letting the Church be family, discipleship, and obedience are some of the things I've practiced. I'm so grateful for the time here but at the same time I was so ready to do what God was preparing me for.

Around the time of graduation casually told a few friends I have a feeling something bad is going to happen.  All the worst possibilities came to mind: my family would be in a wreck on the way to visit me or something that would make a good lifetime movie.  My friend's advice was to enjoy this time and not wait for the bottom to drop.  Good advice but I couldn't shake the feeling. 

Now I'm dealing with one of my biggest fears.  Last week my mom calls me to tell me she has diagnosed herself with having a mass in her stomach.  I knew she had been unhappy for awhile but I couldn't understand what she had been going through.  She had lost her brother and mother about a half year ago within 10 weeks.  I thought she had been depressed and stressed which was adding to her physical illness.  My mom finally went to the doctor. 

...The docotrs are moving fast.  No time to waste.  Something is urgent.  In my gut I know it is urgent.  The following morning the doctors ran a CAT scan.  They are getting answers faster than anticipated.  She is seeing an oncologist this week.  My mom anticipates surgery within the week.  It is happening.  Thoughts that I don't expect for another 40 years.  My mom is my best friend.  I shouldn't have to worry how I'm going to keep moving.  My first thought, as selfish as it sounds, was "she'll never meet my future husband or children".  I know that thought is about me, but she's been the one person my whole life that has been excited about everything I do.  My parents are part of every milestone in my life.  I'll need my best friend to tell me to stop being stubborn, to start learning how to flirt, stop being so literal, keep loving people, and that she's proud of me.  My mom gets me.  She understands that I'm grounded no matter how ridiculous my brain works.  I am my mother's daughter...

Nothing has been confirmed.  It seems that she has two spots of ccancer.  It sounds like surgery should get all of it and chemotherapy should kill the residue.  I'm sure my mom will be here the next 40 years at least, but I'm still not okay with the fact she has cancer.  The possibilities of cancer are not supposed to be real yet.  Fighting this is not supposed to be on my plate. 

I know all things work together for the good...  There is a fine line of me acting like I've come to grips with things and being completely satisfied with God's will.  I can't do either yet!