My Kryptonite

New Things:  Started a painting completely from my own creativity, got my first Christmas present of 2011, watched Inside Man

I already know this blog will sound arrogant but in reality I'm letting you know my biggest weakness.  Please don't use it against me!  Ready?... is the anticipation setting in?...boys!!!

Arrogant Section:
I really do think I would be a great catch.  I like action films,sports, I like to laugh and hate to cry, I'm not the jealous type or clingy, I like a challenge, I'm intelligent, not completely unfortunate looking, I'm a decision maker, leader, follower, I get along with most people, outgoing, like to bake and paint, I run, I eat healthy and hearty, I'm not afraid of confrontation but don't let small things bother me, I'm a good driver and good with directions, I'm not fragile but like the man to be a man, I'm well read, I like college football, love my family, and most of all love God.

I have room for many improvements but the one thing that shuts me down is fear of rejection. 

Here's what happens:
I meet someone that is attractive, probably tells a joke, holds a decent conversation, and smiles just because he is a nice guy.  Upon observation I find the guy is nice.  He befriends those that don't have many friends.  He is generous to others.  He is active in the Church and I know he loves God. He is humble.  Never self-serving.  He loves getting to know people.  He is adventurous.  He's not clingy or a creeper.  He's not a flirt. He's a man's man.  He loves his family. He is intelligent, encouraging, and edifies others. 

So what do I do? I ignore him of course.  I put up a wall so others won't figure me out, that I might be interested.  I shut down and concentrate so much on not screwing up that I forget to be myself.  I fear I'm not pretty enough or funny enough to hold his attention.  I pretend I don't need a man in my life including him.  Then another awesome girl swoops in, bats her eyes, compliments his manlihood and they live happily ever after. Ironically, in the end, the version of me that reasons myself into fear of rejection is rejected.

It makes sense in my head.  I don't know how to flirt with the guy I actually like becasue he might figure out I like him, or he may not like me, or others might think I like him, or see him reject me.  Or he might lead me on.  Or he might actually work out.  But none of this is certain or truth.  It can't be guaranteed.  And I just don't think my heart can take anymore.  It is better to ignore it so I don't experience rejection.  I say I'd rather go to Africa because being single there makes sense.  I can move to NY because people don't get married there.  If I stay here and can't reel in the guy I respect most then I'll stay here single where people start asking questions about why I'm still single or when am I going to settle down?  As if it were my decision.