New Things: Auctioned 3 paintings at my church's aution for missions, decided I would be a good waitress if needed, after much prayer a few jobs are starting to become apparent as possibilities.
"Bad news bears" is a way to describe my attitude this past week. I could tell you the hundreds of things I had to do that had me running around crazy. I could tell you all the insane things the kids were doing at work that made me want to pull my hair out. I could complain about the things I volunteered to do that ended up being a waste of time. I could justify my reaction to friends that were being thoughtless and inconsiderate. I could blame my body, being exhausted, and needing coffee. I could pretend that it's everyone else. BUT let's be honest my bad attitude is all my fault.
I've been struggling spiritually for awhile now but this past week was the culmination of it all. I do my school work, I read Scripture, I pray, I meet with people to counsel, I am a mentor, I help lead our small groups at church, I serve where is needed or requested, I speak the truth, I meet with friends, I work with kids that are struggling with their behaviors, I work with parents struggling with their kids, I am everything to every person as much I can. I am actively finding ways to honor God with my time. And then I get burned out and decide I need rest. I need a break. But I can't take a break. I can't just stop my life, let those people down, walk away. So I form this attitude that tells the world I deserve rest because of all the things I do. I deserve recognition because I'm fighting through this struggle. I'm spiritually drained but yet I'm giving myself up for all the things I do. I am physically and spiritually sick.
The words of my mouth have become bitter and distasteful. I'm coming to church wishing I were anywhere else. I read my Bible searching for "the way out" that 1 Cor 10:13 promises when facing temptations. I'm fighting a losing battle.
It occurred to me Sunday what I should have been battling: idolatry. I was losing the battle because I was fighting the wrong thing. I was battling other people, circumstances, things that are not mine to control. In reality, although God has still been central to my life, I have limited him to be one of many gods in my life. I was praying to the god of marriage, the god of career, the god of rest, the god of the past, the god of the future, the god of success, the god of approval, the god of purity, the god of contentment. I want all of these things. I know God is truly sovereign over each struggle but somehow I was trying to get these things without humbly going before God and seeking him.
Once I realized my idolatry, it made since that I have been working on my own power to do everything. No wonder I've been exhausted at trying so hard with little results. Last week revealed that I am not enough, I need God. Neglecting God drove me to funkytown. Worst roadtrip ever! Good to be back.
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