There's No Crying in Baseball

With all my heart, I hate crying!  I don't mind if others cry, in fact, I think it's healthy (to a certain extent).  However, somewhere down the line I conditioned myself to believe that crying is weak.  Crying doesn't change circumstances.  Crying doesn't solve problems.  It isn't the best way to get attention or compassion. 

I used to joke that my tear ducts get confused.  When I laugh really hard I cry, when I get really upset I run, and when I get mad I close down.  No wonder girls are so complex.  Today, however, I think my emotions were right on track.

I went to a 5th grade graduation today!  (That was my new thing for the day).  Some of my 5th graders from the YMCA invited us and I realized I had been with these kids for 4 years, most of their elementary experience.  I've seen them grow, mature, develop, birthdays, through parents divorce, friends moving away, their first day at a new school, baseball games, champions, losses, parents losing jobs, losing parents or grandparents, surgery, crushes, broken hearts, best friends, and now graduation.  I didn't cry about any of this!  But I was like a proud mama!!

A girl, named Jocelyn, that had been in our program before was graduating today.  She lived with her single mother and younger brother.  She was definitely a God send to her mother.  She took care of her brother, did great in school, safety partrol, kept the peace, and was always very responsible.  I don't know the situation with dad, but I know she missed him.  I know there were many times they planned on seeing dad but plans fall through as they do often with adults' schedules.  Today at graduation, there was a dad that seemed overly enthusiastic for just a 5th grade ceremony.  You know the type... the dad that stands in front of others so he gets the perfect camera shot.  Claps every time he hears his child's name eventhough they are asked to wait until the end.  Waving big so his child sees that he is watching.  I'm sure at some point my thought was this guy needs to just go ahead and take a seat on stage with the principal so he has the best view.  Then I realized, it was Jocelyn's father.  He was there and he was proud.  I watched Jocelyn's smile as she walked by him every time she received an award (which was at least 5 or 6).  He gave the thumbs up, a small clap, take a picture, get a hug.  I watched the relationship interaction.  She loved him regardless because he is her dad and he was soooo stinkin proud of his daughter.  This brought a smile to my eyes.  As Jocelyn sat down for her presidential award for outstanding academics, I watched her dad as he brushed away tears.  The overwhelming emotion of pride for his daughter's accomplishments and the young lady she had become was too much to bear within.  At this point, I could hold it no longer as a few tears welled up within my own eyes. 

Then there is a boy that was in the 5th grade class.  I don't know him, I've seen him around and I stood next his parents.  This boy is mentally challenged caused by an accident that sent him to surgery.  He never fully recovered and struggles daily with the normalcy of life.  Today he walked across that stage after years of self discipline, perseverence, and hard work.  Of course mom and dad were proud and emotional but I held it together until... I saw the kids.  My heart did the leaping throb in the chest when you want to hold back tears but you don't really have control.  As he came back to sit down with his classmates, each one of them gave him a high five and would not sit down until he got to his seat.  There was an air of respect that filled the room. 

I cried today at a 5th grade graduation... twice!

I think I cried because I was so impressed.  A young person can make all the difference in the world.  Jocelyn is a person of love and respect for her dad.  She is a person that understands grace, love and forgiveness.  She is a person that values time, family, and purity.  The young boy does not let excuses determine who he is.  He will not fail on the grounds of permission to do so.  His potential is exceeded everyday he gets out of bed.  His determination to be great is inspiring.

I might cry at my graduation next year, but for a different reason!

Fatal Attraction

Our minds wonder in la la land over the things that we are most attracted to, whether it is a person, a beautiful scene, a song, job, sport, child, art, speech, entertainment, challenge, etc.   We all appreciate different things but for different reasons.  Some people appreciate gifts, while others need affirmation.  Some are triggered by sight, some by touch.  For me personally, I am drawn to smart creativity.  I like a challenge.

I guess my question is, why is attractiveness not universal?  Around the world beauty has different standards.  Some of my best friends, I'm most similar to, are not attracted to the same guys.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad, because otherwise we might have some cat fights over some of these guys.  But at the same time what is causing us to be attracted to something? 

Then there are things we know we should be attracted to but struggle with the fact we are not.  Or we are attracted to things and know we should not be.  Like the dangerous guy, one the rides motorcycles, is daring, smokes and drinks, and plays guitar.  What in the world is appealing about that?  Maybe adventure, excitement?  The "nice guy" is always last.  Why?  I HAVE NO IDEA! 

God has created everything, every person.  He is beautiful.  His goodness is pure.  His grace is attractive.  Is it universal?  What about God is unattractive to the non believer? Is it our portrayal of God that is unattractive?  Is it the misinformation or no information on Christ that leave people rejecting Him? 

Of all the things I can think of in the world, God is the only thing I can't imagine people finding unattractive.  Maybe the Church, the change in lifestyle, or organized religion is unattractive but God Himself is holy.  Maybe we can do a better job of giving people God and less church, rules or religion. 

We are attracted to things that delight us, not necessarily what is good for us.  If we were disciplined enough to let the good things be in our lives we would delight in the benefits of the good effects.  Just because there is an attraction, doesn't mean it is good.  Hello!  Eve found the fruit delightful and now we are all sinners.  Lucifer found power delightful and he is an enemy of God.  Israel found treasure delightful and they missed out on the promised land. Paul delighted in status and religion and he killed Christians (for a time).  Those that delight themselves in the Lord, he will give you your desires.

I'm Better Today than Yesterday

When I was a little girl I had a terrible time lying.  I was actually a really good liar and enjoyed it.  I usually either lied for approval or escape or just for the heck of it (I think they call this pathological).  Then one day I decided I didn't like to lie, so I stopped.  But I didn't just stopped, I hated it!  I can't stand it when people lie to me or give half truths. 

About 50 lbs ago I was in 6th grade.  I was a chunk and a half.  I love sweets and tv, bad combination.  Then I got picked on a lot in middle school and decided this is not how I'm spending life, so I stopped eating, joined the basketball team and drank coffee.  Now I'm healthier, but I would say the Lord brought me out of a disorder called anorexia nervosa.

As a younster, I was told I talk too much and too loud.  So I stopped talking and became a good listener.

I've always been bossy.  My mama says my second toe is bigger than my big toe which means I'm bossy.  Well, I guess somethings never change.

As I got older I realized I change myself for others a lot.  In college, I did somethings I was not proud of for approval.  I was easily persuaded.  Mom prayed me through that time.  I've taught myself to not care what others think almost to a point that I forget to be considerate of others.  I choose my feelings, emotions are controlled.  I'm a robot! 

I'm very much a self disciplined person.  I can probably learn how to do almost anything and be pretty decent at it.  I'm extreme, so my hard work to discipline myself has noticeable effects.  But I know that most things I change are by sinful approaches.  It isn't bad to stop lying but it is to hate liars.  It's not bad to lose weight but it is to hate my body.  It's fine to be a good listener but not shut down.  It's okay to be logical but God created us to emotional beings too.  It wasn't until about a year ago I began to take these things to the Lord.  I didn't even realize how God has worked on me until I look back as I slowly have released these issues to God.  I still have a lot to work on He is faithful and good to me.

Out with the Old

Well, it's that time again.  I'm getting restless.  I need new in my life.  In the past I've dyed my hair, I've trained for a half marathon, I've moved cities or apartments, I've gone on trips, I've made bets with people, my aptmate and I created a challenge game, I've tried to change jobs, start a new hobby, read more books, did something daring...etc.  I need new!  Skydiving? Go somewhere new? Get on television?  Meet someone famous? Take a challenge? Get a piercing/ tattoo? Go dancing? Run a marathon/ triathlon?
I usually need new when life gets difficult.  It's a release for me.  Something I can control when I feel out of control.  It is spontaneous and fun.  It is an accomplishment.  It is extreme.  It becomes a story.  Sometimes a mistake, mostly an adventure, never a regret.  It is not for anyone but myself.  It gives me something to care about. 
This is a big one!  I've challenged myself to go somewhere new everyday this summer.  Fun, I'll meet new people, but not big enough.  I want to do something I've never done before!  I want to do something I will always remember!  I want to be awesome!  Any ideas?

First Dates

My roommate is going on a first date this weekend, with a guy she has been friends with for years!  Oh the transition is probably a little awkward for them since their families are so close but mostly exciting.  It is funny because they have both been thinking about taking this next step for a few months without the other being aware of the change.  Anyways, Kimberly got a new dress and she looks fantastic.  Look out Phillip!

It is fun to think back on first dates, anticipation, the newness, adventure, the unknown.  The pressure of good conversation and being impressive quickly dissipates with the overwhelming urge to be in the other person's presence.  Everyone is on their best behaviors and wants nothing less than the other to have the perfect evening.  One of my best first dates, the guy took me to ATL where he had reservations for dinner and then another reservation for dessert and coffee in a ship with live music and dancing.  All my favorites rolled into one night.  Ah well, then life happened and I became housewife to non husband, while non husband did his own thing.  My ambitions and goals became second priority.  My prayer for Kimberly and Phillip is that whether this newness wears off, the effort to put the other before yourself and the urge to always be in the other's presence should not.  I pray the Lord blesses this first date and continues to grow both of them to Him.  I pray He confirms in their lives His plan for them.  I pray you are missional and loving in this new adventure.  Love you Kimberly.

The Ficious Cycle

The harder you try to stop thinking about something, the more you think about it.  Your worse insecurities are propagated by the constant reminders of the insecurity.  Running is delayed by the awareness of our inability to run.  Sin is continued by our fear to approach the God who forgives them.  We drink coffee because we don't get enough sleep because we drank coffee.  I need cookie dough because I'm so distraught I ran out of cookie dough.
Why can't Cycles be positive like, the reoccuring dream where hot un-named guy asks me to marry him, a second wind on a long run, the sun sets so it can rise again.  Thse sound positive but dreams end, body wears down, and sun rise means it's morning (I appreciate a new day, I'm just a night owl). Am I a realist or pessimist?
Then there are the cycles that are ficious and positive: forgiveness.  We continually sin and God continually forgives.  To break the ficious cycle, you need to break the sin!  Ficious = Sin.

Dear Daddy

I've always been a daddy's girl, never wanting to disappoint him.  I was always nervous to see the mustache move to the side, which was the sign of pure disappointment.  In some strange way, I was a tomboy growing up because I know boys are more fun for daddy's.  I used to scream and cry when my mom would braid or curl my hair (sorry mom).  My daddy taught me basketball, pitched the softball with me for hours for little league, taught me golf, how to play an instrument and read music, but none of this is what makes him my daddy. 
I remember when I was about 3 years old I fell off my tricycle (that's right off the tricycle, biking never got better for me) and I cut up my knee to the point of needing stitches.  I screamed and cried and begged my dad not to take me to get stitches; instead he just hugged me.  Just being in my dad's arms made me feel safe.  I have a scar now but I'm glad my dad's safety is what I think of. 
When I was about 11, my dad and I went to TN for mission trip.  At the end of the trip I got real sick, so we stayed an extra day while everyone went back home.  My dad got me music and drinks for the trip home but before we even made it to the highway, the truck broke down.  In the middle of July, my dad left me in the truck to hike and find help.  That was a day I saw my helpless dad cry.  There was nothing my dad could do but pray.  This day I will always remember my dad's prayer answered by God as he brought help into our lives in extraordinary and undeniably God's way.
The first time I got my heart broken, my dad bore the nerves and came to my room to talk to me.  Gave the typical "you are special" speech and let me in a little on what he went through as a young guy dating my mom.  My dad has always been very honest with me, especially when it comes to what guys are thinking, reality of situations of dating, if certain guys aren't good enough for me, and making sure I'm happy.  I think it is his honesty that makes me value his talks so much.
In high school, my dad and I used to have breakfast together.  Some days,  I was so exhausted we just stared into our bowls, other times we would ask about our days.  Sometimes, something interesting was actually going on, but I always appreciated the beginning of my day started with my Father and Daddy.
In college, dad and I had deeper conversations about God, the Bible, and Truth.  We would rethink some of the stories we heard growing up.  Dad would challenge me to not spout off things I took for granted as truth and to study it for myself.  It was fun to find the Truth of God's word and discuss the impact it had in how we thought about Scripture.  College is when I really understood my dad's deep relationship with God.  I remember my dad telling me one time he was going into a store and a homeless man stopped him and asked for money.  My dad said he will give him money if the man would give him 5 minutes of his time.  I said to my dad, "What did ya'll talk about?"  Poor dad with a surprised look said he shared the gospel.  That was the moment I knew my dad was a man of God.
I'm in seminary now, 9 hours away from my dad.  We have phone dates on Thursday.  He has been a man that is gentle, humble, encouraging, prayerful, servant, willing, loving, patient, and steadfast in my life.  I have been blessed with a father that has made an appearance in every memory of my life.  There are plenty of other stories I could tell, that mean so much to me, but this is not a book. 
I love you daddy and I thank God for a man that has been a great example of Christ!!

What if?

What if I got everything I wanted?  Would I be happier?  Would I know pain?  Would I know God?  What if the sky wasn't blue?  Would we feel like something was wrong?  What if I just left town at a moments notice and did whatever I wanted?  Would life here go on as normal?  Would I be missed?  Would it effect others?  What if I could turn back time?  Would I change anything?  Would I be able to learn from my own mistakes?  What if there really was an elephant in the room?  What would his name be?  What if there was not texting or facebook?  Would half the people know anything about me?  Would they care now that they can't stalk me?  What if I were a boy? Would I be an athlete, a handy man or a geek?  What if you could read my thoughts?  Would I be embarrassed?  Would I try harder to think purely?  Would you hate me?  What if I grew up in Africa?  Would I visit America?  Would I have heard the gospel?  Would have the same values or ambitions?  What if I invented the wheel?  I'd be rich! 
I can always ask questions but I guess life would be boring if I had the answers!

Use Protection

I'm active, I like to do things for the thrill, be a little daring.  I don't always think of the consequences or believe the harm is inevitable for me.  I believe in taking risks for the people that matter in my life.  I would like to believe that given the opportunity I would risk my life for the God I love and the people He loves.  There is one area of my life, however, that totally defies everything I just said, my heart.  One of my biggest fears in life is giving other people a compliment and one of the most embarrassing things anyone could do to me is give me a compliment.  I don't talk a lot about my life as much as I talk about the people in my life.  I shy away from sharing what God is doing in my life but rather share who God is, what he promises, and the importance of a personal relationship.  I know testimony is important and usually I don't mind past stories of God's goodness to me but in the heart of the experience my stomach knots up to think I should talk about how God is using me or working in me.  When it comes to guys, forget it.  My heart is shut!  I'm hs friend on the surface and I'll love him forever in the heart but the two shall never meet.  I guess I just hope someday that guy will pursue me without having an inclination that I'm interested, he'll be brave.  As for my friends, they know where I'm from, my past, my goals, what I like, what I don't like but they don't know my fears, they don't know why I don't cry, they don't know why I can't sleep in my bed at night, they don't know how I ended up here in NC at seminary, they don't know why I like coffee or like to run, they don't know why I've shut my heart or hate compliments.  Self Preservation:  I've chosen to protect myself by keeping my heart vaulted. If no one can get to it, it can't be broken or stolen or even given away.  No one can enjoy it!  No one can critique it. 
My brain works on a whole other level.  I am completely aware how unhealthy paragraph 1 sounds.  I know that I am physically saying to God I do not trust Him to cherish my heart and protect me Himself.  I understand I may be missing out on the beauty of relationships and even their purpose by only being half me.  However, I also know that I am the type person that seeks to forgive, I hate being bitter, and I believe that there are no circumstances that can cause me to be sinful.  As a Christian my only other option in a fallen world is to feel pain, betrayal, and discomfort when others tear me up.  My love and compassion comes from the part of the heart that is for all, not vaulted.  Is that love?  Is it forgiveness, compassion or fake?  Can I love someone I don't trust? 
Dear brain and heart,
I need to know that my heart is protected by God.  I need to know that my love is full and genuine in the eyes of my Lord.  I need to know that pain is a time for God to give me strength and the strength is a time to give God glory.  If ya'll could work together to see that this happens I would be eternally grateful.

It speaks for itself

I went to the mall tonight hoping to get an awesome dress for a wedding I'm going to this Saturday.  No luck!  I hate that I'm between juniors and women, I never know what is appropriate for me to wear.  Mid 20s is difficult to be trendy without "trying to hard" or looking like my grandma.  Anyways, on the way, I got my typical coffee from Starbucks, where a cute boy flirts a bit and tells me I don't need a new dress.  Speaking truth to me!  I divert from my shopping for a dress and go buy a Swahili dictionary to get ready for my trip to Kenya.  I start to read some of the titles of "Christian Inspiration" books and I'm disgusted that it is in the Christian section.  7 Steps to this, take control of your heart, how to deal with pain, blah blah blah how to make my life wonderful separate from who God is, really means how to cope with the world until you explode.  I grew up reading the Bible as medication or an answer key.  When my life is lacking I go to Scripture to fill the hole, but I filled it with words, sayings, intentions, morality, wishes. 
It wasn't until college that I began to read the Bible as God's biography of who He is and His work to redeem His people.  It is not our story, it is not personal; it is the evidence of our Holy God.  So it is to my relief that these books cannot disrupt the purpose of Scripture. 

Grown up Me

I don't know why I am starting to blog again.  I think my brain is bursting with Truth, it would be a shame to keep it to myself.  My words tend to make better sense written out than verbal.  My tongue swells with doubt and insecurity.  The paper grants grace to my thoughts as sentences form the ideas that provoke me.  So in a way, this blog could be a public invitation to my head... good luck to my readers, and be kind! 

My exterior challenges vulnerability and weakness.  I pride myself in independence and not crying.  Sometimes I cry when I laugh too hard but otherwise I pout.  I work hard, I'm in school at seminary to be a biblical counselor, integrity is important to me which includes honesty and loyalty.  I think it is necessary to be spontaneous.  I set goals to challenge myself.  I don't quit.  I've learned my limitations, I'm learning to listen to God, I want to learn another language.  My friends describe me as awkward but I think it is more of a feeling that I push the boundaries of comfort levels.  It ticks me off when people only think of themselves.  I avoid negativity.  I'm drawn to the humble.  A guy that makes me laugh, takes my heart.  Core truths are not what I think, but the things I know to be true for all.  Discussions will be based on questions, perspectives, arguments, life experiences, and thoughts on these truths.