Use Protection

I'm active, I like to do things for the thrill, be a little daring.  I don't always think of the consequences or believe the harm is inevitable for me.  I believe in taking risks for the people that matter in my life.  I would like to believe that given the opportunity I would risk my life for the God I love and the people He loves.  There is one area of my life, however, that totally defies everything I just said, my heart.  One of my biggest fears in life is giving other people a compliment and one of the most embarrassing things anyone could do to me is give me a compliment.  I don't talk a lot about my life as much as I talk about the people in my life.  I shy away from sharing what God is doing in my life but rather share who God is, what he promises, and the importance of a personal relationship.  I know testimony is important and usually I don't mind past stories of God's goodness to me but in the heart of the experience my stomach knots up to think I should talk about how God is using me or working in me.  When it comes to guys, forget it.  My heart is shut!  I'm hs friend on the surface and I'll love him forever in the heart but the two shall never meet.  I guess I just hope someday that guy will pursue me without having an inclination that I'm interested, he'll be brave.  As for my friends, they know where I'm from, my past, my goals, what I like, what I don't like but they don't know my fears, they don't know why I don't cry, they don't know why I can't sleep in my bed at night, they don't know how I ended up here in NC at seminary, they don't know why I like coffee or like to run, they don't know why I've shut my heart or hate compliments.  Self Preservation:  I've chosen to protect myself by keeping my heart vaulted. If no one can get to it, it can't be broken or stolen or even given away.  No one can enjoy it!  No one can critique it. 
My brain works on a whole other level.  I am completely aware how unhealthy paragraph 1 sounds.  I know that I am physically saying to God I do not trust Him to cherish my heart and protect me Himself.  I understand I may be missing out on the beauty of relationships and even their purpose by only being half me.  However, I also know that I am the type person that seeks to forgive, I hate being bitter, and I believe that there are no circumstances that can cause me to be sinful.  As a Christian my only other option in a fallen world is to feel pain, betrayal, and discomfort when others tear me up.  My love and compassion comes from the part of the heart that is for all, not vaulted.  Is that love?  Is it forgiveness, compassion or fake?  Can I love someone I don't trust? 
Dear brain and heart,
I need to know that my heart is protected by God.  I need to know that my love is full and genuine in the eyes of my Lord.  I need to know that pain is a time for God to give me strength and the strength is a time to give God glory.  If ya'll could work together to see that this happens I would be eternally grateful.