When I was a little girl I had a terrible time lying. I was actually a really good liar and enjoyed it. I usually either lied for approval or escape or just for the heck of it (I think they call this pathological). Then one day I decided I didn't like to lie, so I stopped. But I didn't just stopped, I hated it! I can't stand it when people lie to me or give half truths.
About 50 lbs ago I was in 6th grade. I was a chunk and a half. I love sweets and tv, bad combination. Then I got picked on a lot in middle school and decided this is not how I'm spending life, so I stopped eating, joined the basketball team and drank coffee. Now I'm healthier, but I would say the Lord brought me out of a disorder called anorexia nervosa.
As a younster, I was told I talk too much and too loud. So I stopped talking and became a good listener.
I've always been bossy. My mama says my second toe is bigger than my big toe which means I'm bossy. Well, I guess somethings never change.
As I got older I realized I change myself for others a lot. In college, I did somethings I was not proud of for approval. I was easily persuaded. Mom prayed me through that time. I've taught myself to not care what others think almost to a point that I forget to be considerate of others. I choose my feelings, emotions are controlled. I'm a robot!
I'm very much a self disciplined person. I can probably learn how to do almost anything and be pretty decent at it. I'm extreme, so my hard work to discipline myself has noticeable effects. But I know that most things I change are by sinful approaches. It isn't bad to stop lying but it is to hate liars. It's not bad to lose weight but it is to hate my body. It's fine to be a good listener but not shut down. It's okay to be logical but God created us to emotional beings too. It wasn't until about a year ago I began to take these things to the Lord. I didn't even realize how God has worked on me until I look back as I slowly have released these issues to God. I still have a lot to work on He is faithful and good to me.
I think for us as women, this idea of changing ourselves is one we struggle with. One of the biggest things Adrian has pushed me on is motivation - why do I do what I do? If I'm disciplined based on my own pride, or because of what I want others to think of me, etc., then my heart is still in the wrong, even if the actions are right. One of his favorite sayings is, "Fear God, screw everyone else" ;) Not the most loving, no, but it's helpful to remember that our decisions and growth and changes ought always to be based on a heart that wants to joyfully respond to the grace God has shown us. It's a life-learning process, I think, but I'm right there with you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I like the new blog and the blog background :)
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